© 2016 Roy Benaroch, MD
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen! Step into the Food Theater, and be amazed and befuddled!
Our first star is Chipotle, a chain of restaurants that sells burritos the size of your forearm. Organic (sometimes), GMO-free (sorta), better ingredients, they care about the environment, all of that, and more! You may have heard of a little bacteria called E coli – by the way, that’s found naturally in your own feces, did you know that? – but keep in mind that Chipotle’s food has only been a little bit contaminated with E coli. And norovirus, also naturally found in human poop. It’s not like they were literally selling poop burritos, no sir! Keep your eye on the billboards, and the fact that they claim to be GMO-free, which they’re not, actually. But they say they want to be, and that’s a whole lot more important than selling food free of human excrement! Or selling lunches that have twice the calories any reasonable person needs. Yessir!
Wait, don’t leave! There’s more! Here’s a whole aisle of organic produce, right from your local store! Free of pesticides, unless you count all of the pesticides they’ve decided they can use. And GMO-free, too. Except they’re not actually GMO-free. And much more nutritious (in terms of, well, not really any more nutritious at all, but this is theater, remember, stop interrupting me.) One thing is for sure: they do cost more!
Look at this item I found in my own kitchen, right here, a tasty cylinder of delicious potato sticks!
You’ll note, right on the label, it’s GMO-free. Whew! And none of that awful gluten, which I’m told turns you into Hitler. Sure, they’re pretty much just potato chips in stick form – yum! – and you’d have to be pretty dim to think of this as anything but junk food. But GMO- and gluten-free! Sign me up!
GMOs, GMOs, they’re everywhere, amiright? We want food that’s exactly the way it developed in nature. Unfortunately, at the Food Theater today, we can’t show you any examples of that, because every food we eat has been genetically modified by human interventions for hundreds or thousands of years. Still, yeah, slap a GMO-free label on something, and that’s what I want to eat!
And chemicals! Chemicals with weird names! OMG can you believe some foods have chemicals in them?! Unfortunately, again, here at the Food Theater today, we can’t actually show you any examples of any foods that don’t contain chemicals, because it turns out that all foods have actual “substances” in them, and that’s what chemicals are. So we tried to show you how healthy our Bob was – that’s Bob, he worked in the back, he wouldn’t eat any chemicals at all! But he died, because, you know, no food. He died healthy, that’s for sure! Better luck next time, Bob!
New idea: maybe we can come up with a vacuum jar of nothing in it we could show you—not only chemical free, but GMO-free and gluten-free too! A health bonanza!
Well, that just about wraps it up at the Food Theater today. I hope you’ve enjoyed your tour, and please help yourself to some tasty snacks – we’re offering both rocks and water, your choice. Though I’m told the water was processed in a facility that also processes peanuts. Better skip dessert.