Cootie Shots under fire

The Pediatric Insider

© 2015 Roy Benaroch, MD

Circle circle dot dot

Now I have a cootie shot

It’s a rite of passage for Kindergarteners, something we’ve all gotten used to accepting, without question. Now, an increasing number of concerned parent activists are raising concerns about Cootie Shots. They’re asking some uncomfortable questions. Are they even safe?

Last year, Ms. Emma Jane McGucket noticed her 5 year old son acting oddly. “He’s like a different boy,” she said. “His clothes no longer fit. And he smelled like grass.” Later that day, she says, she heard him say something that really started to make her wonder. “He said something about a Cootie Shot to his younger brother. It made my hair stand on end. What were these Cootie Shots? Have they been tested? Is this just another government plan to poison our children, like putting fluoride in the water or thiamine in the bread?”

After asking questions at her son’s school, Ms. McGucket still wasn’t satisfied. “It’s like they didn’t even know what was going on. They pretended these Cootie Shots are perfectly safe, even though they couldn’t list all of the ingredients.”

Ms. McGucket has formed a Facebook page, Families Against Cootie Shots (FACtS), and hopes to draw attention to what she considers “…the most important thing, ever, that everyone has to stop whatever they’re doing and worry about more than anything else.”

And she’s not alone. Her neighbor, whom Ms. McGucket refused to name, is also said to be worried. When we spoke with her though her closed door, she may have said something about toxins or GMOs used in their production.

“It’s not that I’m against Cootie Shots,” said Arlene Monger, president of the Calhoun County chapter of FACtS. “What we want, what our children deserve, are greener, safer Cootie Shots free of toxins and chemicals. We don’t need to give in to Big Cootie just to protect our children.”

“No one wants children safe from Cooties more than me,” she said. “But we have to read the product label and the government hazardous material sheets. These things are being injected directly in our children’s bloodstreams. They might even contain gluten.”

When contacted, Jamie Rosen of the 2nd grade’s Cootie Surveillance Section pointed out that Cootie Shots aren’t actually injected into anyone’s bloodstream. “They’re pretty much just touching the skin of the arm, you know, circle circle dot dot?”

“Those are the kinds of ‘facts’ we don’t need,” responded Ms. Monger. “A typical response from a typical official who’s been paid off. Like my son’s pediatrician. He said he wasn’t worried, which just proves it.”

Some activists are also concerns about the number of Cootie Shots being administered. On some playgrounds, they say, boys are giving themselves up to 6 or 7 doses in one recess. They say they need it to protect themselves from the girls, but parents are worried. “Too many, too soon!” says Ms. Monger. “They’re using a schedule that’s only been in use worldwide for what, 50 years? I’m supposed to be reassured by that?”

“I don’t need any studies,” Ms. Monger concluded. “I know what I know, and that’s enough for me to say no.”

cootie shots

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2 Comments on “Cootie Shots under fire”

  1. Dr. M Says:

    Awesome! I love how you worked in GMOs and gluten, too. Great stuff Doc! Thiamine! *snicker*

    Like


  2. Ewww cooties! Where can my son get one of these shots?

    Like


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