Children discover: Adults just fattening them up to eat them
© 2012 Roy Benaroch, MD
In a shocking revelation, an investigative subcommittee has revealed that adults are deliberately raising fat children—intending, it is alleged, to eat them.
The allegations have been made at the annual convention of all of the nation’s children, currently underway inWashington, DC. Lead investigator Katie McMillan of Everett,Washington read stoically from her report to the estimated 60 million American children in attendance.
“We had been tasked to discover why, in the United States, the rates of obesity have increased so dramatically, especially in children. At school entry, one in three of us is already overweight. Now, we know why,” said McMillan. She went on to review her committee’s findings:
- Parents give us far more food than we need, and constantly tempt us with tasty treats between meals.
- Public media is saturated with ads and imagery promoting unhealthy eating.
- Parents encourage us only to exercise our eyeballs and thumbs with an endless variety of indoor games.
“That last point is especially important,” added committee member Molly Denise, 12. “They want our muscles tender and juicy. More exercise would make us stringy.”
Several conference attendees seemed skeptical at first. Alex Benjamin, 13, asked, “If that’s so true, then why does my mom want me to eat brussels sprouts?”
“That’s covered in appendix ‘C’ of the report,” answered Denise, referring to the 106 page section titled “Things that really aren’t food.” In later comments, it was revealed that these items were being substituted for real food to give children a tastier flavor. “We think it’s kind of like a marinade,” Denise clarified.
Other attendees questioned whether the evidence proved the committee’s conclusion.
“We looked for any other explanation, and honestly, nothing else makes sense,” answered McMillan during questioning after the presentation. “I mean, really. So much food. Restaurant portions are huge, and they even come with soda. And what, really, could be the reason we get desserts? Hello? I just ate, and then you give me more food?”
“Keep in mind,” concluded McMillan to the shudders of the crowd, “that adults are really fat, too. And they sure eat a lot. Where is all of their food going to come from? From us, that’s where!”
None of the nation’s 250 million adults could be reached for comment.