Children decide “Adults suck”

The Pediatric Insider

© 2010 Roy Benaroch, MD

Dateline Washington, DC

Today wraps up this year’s annual meeting of children in Washington, DC, and grown-ups aren’t going to be pleased with the conference’s final assessments and recommendations. Our children have decided that we are the cause of just about all of the problems the world is facing. In the startling, two word conclusion of this year’s summary document, our own children have decided that “Adults suck.”

Each year, thousands of children of all ages attend the three-day seminar, held in the spacious Walter E. Washington convention center, just a short stroller-ride away from The White House in the nation’s capital. Turnout was brisk this year, with several important agenda topics attracting standing-, squatting-, and lying-down room only crowds: alternative energy sources, over-fishing in Chesapeake Bay, declining standards on Sesame Street, and the fact that the under-three toys in happy meals are sometimes better than the “real toys.” But by far, the most contentious sessions concerned the current federal budget deficit and the explosion of the national debt.

“I mean, like, wow. Can they do that?” asked conference attendee Zackery “Zacky” Smithson, a ten year old student from Long Island. “That’s like, so much money.”

His younger sister, Amelia, was similarly concerned. “What is a trillion? Is that more than a bajillion?” she asked.

After clarifications with the numerical subcommittee, a hush fell over the convention. Twelve year old Brianna Letts dragged a visual aid onto the stage, but had a difficult time holding the towering poster upright.

“See? Way up there? That line that’s getting higher and higher? That’s the money that the adults are spending that we have to give back,” Ms. Letts reported to the conference, brushing her hair behind her ears. “I get $5 a week allowance, and at that rate, it will take a bazillion years to pay back. Even with all of us chipping in, well, that’s really a lot.”

“I don’t get an allowance yet,” added another conference attendee.

Some of the older attendees were even more direct in their criticism. Michael McConlee, a tenth grader from Middleton High School in Sacramento, California, reported from the Western States breakout session. “Like, they’re spending money that they haven’t earned. My math teacher explained that even in my lifetime, we won’t earn enough to pay that back, at least not if we have to keep paying for all of the other stuff that old people need. So either, we have to stop having old people, or there will be, like, no money for us, even if we make money, because all of the money has already been spent. See?”

In fact, the news got even worse. During the conference, a “math nerd” named Jessica Something-or-other was able to make some more-exact predictions. “At this rate,” she reported, “they’ve already spent all of the money we’ll possibly make, and now they’re even spending the money our own children haven’t earned yet! And I’m only eleven!”

By the close of the convention, a variety of motions were passed, criticizing adults for the grievous mismanagement of natural resources, listening to weird music, and enforcing too-early bedtimes. But the most stinging criticism came from the ending paragraph of the final conference statement:

“We, the children of The United States, accuse our parents and our grandparents of bankrupting not only their own country, but the country that we had hoped to inherit. You’ve ruined everything. Adults suck.”

None of the nation’s 230 million adults could be reached for comment.

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2 Comments on “Children decide “Adults suck””

  1. Julie Says:

    Wished I hadn’t read this while eating my breakfast, now I have to try to dig oatmeal out of my keyboard from laughing so hard. As if our kids needed anymore reasons to hate us. Maybe she should all just start over with Monopoly money. And the kids can play banker. Thanks for the scary truth once again.


  2. Dr. Roy Says:

    An update, here.


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